How to Draft A Bad
Fantasy Football Team
By Tanner Cabbage
There are several crucial keys to drafting the worst fantasy
football team of all time (in case you ever find yourself in a league in which
such inferiority has some sort of reward). Fantasy football teams are created
by millions of owners every year through various sites such as Yahoo, NFL.com,
and ESPN. The best one to succeed in failure (think about it) is Yahoo because
you have the ability to draft three individual defensive players.
1. Draft defensive
players first
First an foremost, your first round pick should most
definitely be the sweaty, greasy 330 pound defensive line man that will most
certainly amass less points on the season than your running back will get in
one game. While your fellow competitors will be questioning your move, you will
be at your computer feeling brave. The second round draft pick may be the
greatest time to shine. The other drafters will certainly be expecting you to
take a running back like Chris Johnson (Tennessee). Meanwhile, you should draft
a linebacker like Larry Grant (San Francisco) or Arnold Harrison (Arizona).
Harrison recently got cut so he will most certainly get you no points. Great
success. The next pick should be your final defensive player. While most people
wait until the final three rounds for these guys, you will certainly make the
smartest move picking them early as they will likely rack up an impressive 30
points all season. Go with another defensive lineman. You may be thinking, why
not a defensive back? That is the final position I have not drafted. Well,
because you can only play one defensive lineman so why not draft two?
2. A retired kicker
will surely make your team horrible
Your next few rounds will seem quite boring. Your next pick
would be success with a kicker like MartÃn Gramatica. He is like 48 and not
even playing anymore but he will likely still be available to draft (thank
Yahoo).
3. Tampa Bay
Buccaneers defense
30.8 points per game allowed. Only two points shy of the
worst defense in NFL history. Enough said.
4. Tight Ends are
notorious for earning very few points
Justin Peelle. Who?! The fourth string tight end for the San
Francisco 49ers, a team that never passes anyways. I love this pick because
Peelle had a whopping one catch, 98 catches behind the league leader. Yes.
5. This pick is your
call
There are many options here. You could draft a back up tight
end, defense, or defensive player. However, that would be quite boring. While
it would be nice because it would be a waste of a pick, it would not enhance
your badness, it would only leave voids or gaps in your starting roster and we
want a full roster. With that being said, I would draft Terrell Owens here.
Some would view this as a smart pick because he could have a break out year… if
he wasn’t retired, injured, and hated by every owner in the NFL. Therefore, he
will fill a starting spot while acquiring no points and earn some jealously from other owners simply because of his
name.
6. The best pick: A
player who can earn negative points
Rex Grossman ladies and gentlemen. The name should say it
all (what were his parents thinking). This Washington quarterback was only
three interception (-2 points per pick) shy of leading the league in picks
while accumulating fewer touchdowns than any other 16-game starting
quarterback. Certain recipe for disaster.
7. My favorite draft
pick
Brandon Stokley or T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Huh? One of these
wide receivers only had one catch all season long while the other had only
eleven catches and one touchdown. One is a starter and one is a back up. I will
let you make the choice but how can you not want a guy with the name
Houshmandzadeh (hush man ze what?).
8. The final
disastrous pick
Your final spots will be two running backs. Jerious Norwood
and Bilal Powell. This is perfect to continue the “all-name” team with Bilal.
Norwood averaged fewer rushing yards than any other running back in the
National Football league while playing for the worst team in the league. That
is bad. Or good…for your team.
This is a recipe for a nuclear disaster in the fantasy
football world. There is nothing better than having fewer points all season than
other owners have in one week. Great success. Thank you Yahoo (and T.J.
Houshmandzadeh).
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